please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
