Tell her she can't have a vagina
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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