I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You made out with two different species that night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
