I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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