There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
