I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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