I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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