i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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