How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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