I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize