I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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