Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
