my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
