She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
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