seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
