I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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