my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
