i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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