Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
