I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
