Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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