What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
