Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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