Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
