She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
