The maid of honor just puked.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You dont lie about slip and slides
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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