I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
