3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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