I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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