They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize