i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
