He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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