Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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