I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
