I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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