There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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