Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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