True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
