i don't like sucking hair
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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