So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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