2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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