Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
