my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize