He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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