Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
