Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
