how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
