I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I need moral support for this bender
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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