Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
