Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
