grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
