The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
