I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
