Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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