highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
