i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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