We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
