Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
