Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
bring money and cleavage
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
